My attitude has changed. I am no longer a child. My first year of sobriety was a cloud clearing. It took a while for the haze to stop looming over me. I continued to do as I did when I was drinking to some extent. I still suffered from terminal loneliness, but slowly I started listening to what I was hearing in AA and heeding the words of wisdom. Most of my adult life was run on self will. I was in charge and no one else. Nobody was going to tell me what to do or how to do it. All of that changed.
I have learned that everybody submits to someone. We all have to learn this respect. The only one who is in charge of it all is God. In I Corinthians 11:3, Paul tells us “But there is one thing I want you to know: The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” Submission is not giving up, like surrender. It is meant to prevent chaos, to allow harmony and no divide, a unified commitment. It provides a way to work together. It is a choice. If we were forced to worship and submit to God, wouldn’t our commitment be hollow? The same with any relationship. Our pastor says all the time, “We are made to complete, not compete.” Rings true every time.
Roger and I married on March 21, 2005. We have been through a lot together and we will continue to the end. It has not been easy, in addiction or in sobriety. I’ve been sober almost 6 years but he struggles still. I am here. I am in the race and I am leading by example. Many people don’t understand and would quit. I have made that error once in my life and I believe that this marriage is forever. I love this man. He and I breathe on the same rhythm.
So many people give up because life gets too difficult. Remember this…Jesus Christ was beaten, crowned with thorns, and nailed to a cross for OUR salvation…so they WE can have eternal life. Nothing, and I mean nothing that any of us has or will go through will compare to being the sacrifice for the entire human race and their transgressions. “For I was born a sinner – yes, from the moment my mother conceived me!” (Psalms 51:5)
I have tried to give up, but God did not give up on me. He rises for me everyday. The least I can do is join the race. I have left the place where I was captive to my limitations and I am standing in the victory, knowing that I am winning. I am forgetting what has been done to me and I now relish what has been done for me.

In believing that everyone submits to someone, I also believe that you don’t have to succumb to everything. One definition of succumb is “to die”, another is “to give up or give in”. Has God given up on you? If you think He has, check your pulse. I’m sure it’s the other way around, YOU gave up on Him. He is always there waiting, longing for you to turn to Him and say, “I need you. Help me Lord. Show me the way.” Most of the time, He has given us the instructions, we just don’t want to do the work. Nothing of value or substance comes easy. How spoiled we would be if everything was just handed to us and we didn’t have to work or feel or do anything.

This road I have travelled so far has been treacherous. That’s my fault. My life didn’t have to be this difficult. I made choices (as an adult, I’m not talking about as a child) that carved a path for my life. Each choice opened a different door and I didn’t have to walk through, but I did. And I’m here and I’m not ashamed. Life isn’t a bucket of rainbows and lollipops today. There is a difference now. I have a friend in Jesus. Whenever I am alone, scared, anxious, sad,mad, happy, glad, excited, …I can call on Him and He will always be there. I have the Word of God as a play book for the victories and the defeats.

I know the only reason I am here today is God’s grace and mercy.


2 thoughts on “Learning and Living…Not Living and Learning

  1. Well, I just read your entire blog today up to this point. Couldn't stop reading. What I read about that little girl that I knew in Elementary school broke my heart. Makes me appreciate more what I have. I didn't have the best childhood myself. But it was heaven compared to yours.

    Glad you've made it this far. I wish I could go back to 5th grade and hug Pam Morgan. Truly happy for you and how far you've come. Looking forward to reading more. It's an inspiration.

    Thank you for sharing all of this. If you only knew how little I read. 🙂 But, your story has captivated me. I look forward to reading more.



  2. Thank you, Brandon. It's funny, when I saw your name my heart leapt because I thought you were my brother! His name Brandon. We don't communicate nearly as much as we used to. I am glad that I am here to tell this story. So many people don't make it for one reason or another, either at their hand or the hand of their abuser, or the addiction kills them. I am seriously grateful and so blessed to be able to share. It helps me as much as anyone else.


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